Therapy, where do I go from here?

So what do you do when your life is on the rocks? Hmmm that is a good one. I have no direction which sucks horribly, and I have really no support. Look at it this way everyone has their own shit to deal with so no help there. I mean my sister and friend live in Tampa, no help unless I move yeah right... My friend who lives with me is so wrapped up in her own shit that it would be a waste of time to get her involved in my own stuff. I have literally no one. I have no money because I am a housewife with no pay. I cook, clean and become a nanny with no monetary gain what so ever and I am not bitter about that or angry just resigned, because in this household I don't think it counts. I want to go on vacation. I want to lose some weight. I want to hang out with friends. I do not know how to start this off. I am at the end of a cliff and I need to figure out whether I am going to sink or swim.

How do I explain myself? I am drowning and I have no life preserver anywhere. Ok, so somewhere along the lines I have started to feel sorry for myself without having any idea how I did that or where it came from. Lucky me! Not sarcastic at all am I (snickering). I am just going to have to get up some courage and stop acting like a coward that is all. Right? I mean it should be that easy. I think that quote is easier said than done.

There are so many life questions:

Do I want to stay married?
How do I put myself first?
How do I become proactive in life?
Where do I start putting my life back together?
Where do I find support?
What do I do with myself?


This didn't used to be a problem for me. If I wanted something I went after it nothing stopped me. Now I am scared, have anxiety, and stressed. Why? Fear, that is why I fear everything. Crowds of people, and I don't know what to do or who to turn too. I think maybe I am just a coward. How did I become this person and where do I get the other one back....I will find out and get back to you.

What the Hell?

I am so frustrated with life and love. What is it we want from life? I want healthy children and a stress free existance. That is surely not going to happen with three children, and a hectic household. My house is a mess with 6 people living under it. I wish I could say that I am happy with a full house but the truth is I am overwhelmed. My husband is gone most of the time and I am left to deal with the children (whether they are healthy, school, and happy), the house, cooking, and shopping. I am tired of doing this all on my own and dealing with a relationship. I am one person dealing with more than one person and issues.

What do I do when I have poop (:-)to deal with? I do not know and I am afraid the answers are so simple it is mind numbing. I want to have a job but I am afraid to get there because of my children and the household. Who will take care of everything while I am working? I do not know that either and it should not be difficult to come up with the answers. I need to get my act together so I can be there for my children instead of being a coward. I believe my days of hiding are numbered.

I want to balance what I want with what I need to do. Is that even feasible? I am not so sure and that is scary. One of the things I am trying to balance is my love of reading with my children, and my household responsibilities. I want to be there and to help them plus I want to do other things that I enjoy (like cooking) however reading is my passion. I do not know how to explain what happens when I am involved in my reading. I guess I feel free and not stressed or overwhelmed.

I want to travel and see my favorite authors. I want to interact with people and get over my fear of crowds. I don't know why I don't like crowds it never used to bother me but now I get anxiety. I guess it could be because I do not like being alone and it is more of a reality when I am out in public going to a fair, concert, or any other event. I see my friends and family with their significant others and I get jealous and envious too. I do not like these feelings because it makes me insecure alot.

I know I haven't been blogging and it is because of my reading and life in general. I want to blog about the issues that have been plaguing me and the happiness I feel when I accomplish things.