What the Hell?

I am so frustrated with life and love. What is it we want from life? I want healthy children and a stress free existance. That is surely not going to happen with three children, and a hectic household. My house is a mess with 6 people living under it. I wish I could say that I am happy with a full house but the truth is I am overwhelmed. My husband is gone most of the time and I am left to deal with the children (whether they are healthy, school, and happy), the house, cooking, and shopping. I am tired of doing this all on my own and dealing with a relationship. I am one person dealing with more than one person and issues.

What do I do when I have poop (:-)to deal with? I do not know and I am afraid the answers are so simple it is mind numbing. I want to have a job but I am afraid to get there because of my children and the household. Who will take care of everything while I am working? I do not know that either and it should not be difficult to come up with the answers. I need to get my act together so I can be there for my children instead of being a coward. I believe my days of hiding are numbered.

I want to balance what I want with what I need to do. Is that even feasible? I am not so sure and that is scary. One of the things I am trying to balance is my love of reading with my children, and my household responsibilities. I want to be there and to help them plus I want to do other things that I enjoy (like cooking) however reading is my passion. I do not know how to explain what happens when I am involved in my reading. I guess I feel free and not stressed or overwhelmed.

I want to travel and see my favorite authors. I want to interact with people and get over my fear of crowds. I don't know why I don't like crowds it never used to bother me but now I get anxiety. I guess it could be because I do not like being alone and it is more of a reality when I am out in public going to a fair, concert, or any other event. I see my friends and family with their significant others and I get jealous and envious too. I do not like these feelings because it makes me insecure alot.

I know I haven't been blogging and it is because of my reading and life in general. I want to blog about the issues that have been plaguing me and the happiness I feel when I accomplish things.